


after all the lights go down

by towokuwusatsuwu



Category: Kamen Rider Build
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss, Love Confessions, M/M, Trans Character, it's really sad guys holy shit but i promise it's worth it in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 13:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14570088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towokuwusatsuwu/pseuds/towokuwusatsuwu
Summary: Kazumi mourns the men he loved and lost, and Ryuga is there to offer him a shoulder to cry on-- And maybe more.





	after all the lights go down

Sawatari Kazumi is crying when someone drops down next to him on the floor and tucks an arm around his shoulders to pull him closer.

Sleeping on the floor of Nascita should not feel like a step up in the world, but it does. Not that sleeping in a barber’s chair was some horrible fate, but because the people who live here have accepted him into their fold, have learned to trust him and depend on him. Things Kazumi thought he might never have again when he watched the men he love die in front of him, glittering blues and golds and reds that refuse to stop tinting every corner of his nightmares when he does manage to fall asleep at night.

The people who live here work hard, fight hard, and have suffered and lost just as much as Kazumi has. He watched firsthand as Kiryu Sento grappled with the reality that his unchecked power caused true death that he would never be able to return, with the fact that once he almost killed Kazumi as well. He listened to Banjo Ryuga talk about his fiancee, dragged into this hell by association, dying bright and glittering the same way Kazumi’s boys did. He knew about Isurugi Soichi, about how he harbored secrets that nearly destroyed Misora’s life and left her broken, to pick up the pieces with her friends.

Kazumi chooses not to burden them with his own pain, his own sadness. With the guilt that lays heavy on his shoulders. He should have been able to protect them, to shield them from the worst of the damage by putting himself on the frontlines. That was what accepting the Schlash Driver meant to him, what becoming Kamen Rider Grease was supposed to symbolize. Kazumi would fight for Hokuto and for everyone he loved so none of them had to.

That his boys followed him into battle did not perturb him; he only had to extend a little more effort, or so he thought at the time. Never did he imagine it would come to this even when he sat himself down and admitted to himself that everything spiralled out of control and they faced insurmountable odds they might not be able to overcome on their own.

He was right. Shuya, Shokichi, and Masaru are gone.

So when the pain chokes him late at night when he lies down and finds himself alone, when there is no one beside him or behind him, warm and familiar hands reaching out to him to pull him close, Kazumi tries to be as quiet as possible. Like now, he sits huddled up against the wall, a blanket wrapped around his shoulder, a corner of it pressed against his mouth to muffle the choked and broken sobs that push against the inside of his throat.

He was getting away with it. Foolish of him to think he would be able to do this forever, but when Ryuga sits down on the floor next to him and curls an arm around his trembling shoulders, he still feels awful. Sento and Ryuga fight a battle more vicious than Kazumi’s own and he feels guilt pool in his stomach at the thought woke Ryuga from his much-needed sleep.

“You’re crying, Kazumin,” Ryuga murmurs, squeezing his shoulder.

The first time Ryuga called him that was after they watched Sento fight an exhilarating battle against Kamen Rider Rogue. Ever since then, it comes more easily than Kazumi expected out of him. He assumes it must be because the two of them get along better now, because Kazumi has proven himself to be more than just an enemy wanting a quick allyship against a common foe. Even though he still doubts his efforts are enough sometimes, he’s glad to have the closeness.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” Kazumi pulls the blanket away from his mouth, blots his cheeks with it. The skin there is swollen and red, and the soft fabric feels like sandpaper. “I was trying to be quiet. Suppose I didn’t succeed in that respect.”

Ryuga tugs the blanket out of his hands, brushes a tear away with one callused thumb. “You were just gonna sit on the floor and cry alone in the dark?”

“Don’t say it like that. You make me sound pathetic.” Kazumi hiccups, pulls his knees up against his chest for something to hold onto. Something to anchor himself out of the desperate sadness clinging to his ribs, wrapped around his heart like spider’s webbing.

“Oh… Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” The moment Kazumi curls into himself, Ryuga presses closer up against his side almost as if by instinct. “Just, you know, you shouldn’t be sad all by yourself in here. If something’s wrong, you can always come get one of us no matter how late it is.”

The thought makes Kazumi’s heart clench tighter; there were rough nights back on the farm, nights where he woke in a cold sweat, his heart pounding against his ribs. There were bad mornings, his ribs too sore for binding and his reflection more of a stressful eyesore than anything else. There has always been someone there, one of his boys in arms’ reach, or just a friend who would be willing to listen to him rant, who would be there to comfort him and remind him that his life is what he wants it to be. That it is never too late to be who he wants to be.

Now, the only people he can reach out to are people who would have knocked him on his ass only a month or so ago. People he wronged, people he wounded in his misguided attempt to save his own. No matter what justifications he has, there were innocents caught in the crossfire and disturbing them when they need to rest to face each tiring days feels wrong. It makes his stomach feel tight and funny.

He rests his chin on top of his knees; his eyelids feel heavy now, his eyes sore and his cheeks faintly stinging from how he’s rubbed them raw. “Sorry, but I don’t think I can do that.”

“You really can. Or you can at least come get me. Better not speak for everyone, Misora’s kinda blade-happy if you wake her too early.” Ryuga chuckles, but the sound is strained and most likely for Kazumi’s benefit than for anything else.

“You have a war to fight of your own. Not gonna disturb you every time I have a bad night.” The weight in his chest only seems to increase with every word Ryuga speaks, reminding Kazumi of just how much he lost in this war so far. The people he loved, the people who would’ve laughed at him saying he could never wake them up. “I’ll be fine. Just gotta mourn, you know?”

Ryuga is quiet; Kazumi expects him to get up and leave, to understand this battle is not one he can win. Of course, Ryuga does no such thing. “It’s not, like, I know I can’t do anything about that for you. If you gotta cry it you, then you gotta cry it out. But you don’t gotta do it alone.”

“Don’t I?” Kazumi’s throat tightens and he swallows, fights the pressure down the best he can as he hugs his knees tighter. “I have my farm back in Hokuto, but I lost…”

His voice breaks around the words and he shakes his head, pressing his mouth against his knee, squeezing his eyes shut. It’s one thing for Ryuga to find him crying, but another for him to cry so freely in front of Ryuga. Not tonight. Not ever, if he can afford it.

“You lost them. I know. I’m sorry.” Ryuga twists around so he can wrap both arms around Kazumi. For a moment, Kazumi thinks Ryuga intends to untangle his body, but he just pulls Kazumi into his lap instead, lets him stay as tightly curled as he wants. “But I’m not gonna go back to bed while you’re sitting in here crying. You can cry on me instead.”

Kazumi shakes his head. His lips tremble, and it takes great effort to speak without breaking now. “I can’t do that. I won’t do that. Please just go back to bed.”

“No.” Ryuga hugs him tighter, and when Kazumi hisses he jumps back, loosens his arms. “Sorry, sorry! Was that too hard? Sento says I’m too strong now, I don’t always realize how hard I’m grabbing onto something. I broke like three plates today and—”

The break in conversation is much needed; Kazumi presses a hand over Ryuga’s mouth to stop his babbling. “My ribs are just sore. I wear a binder during the day, for as long as I can.”

Sento knows; Kazumi felt free to tell him the moment Sento first changed in front of him, a familiar black piece of clothing wrapped around his upper chest calming Kazumi in a way little else has since he came here. Having someone who understands means that Kazumi can talk, sometimes, a little at a time, when he feels safe enough to speak without bursting into tears at the first moment of true frustration. It also means no one here will judge him, but something kept him from telling the others just the same.

He sees the flash of recognition in Ryuga’s eyes, lit by the moonlight streaming through one of the windows and the dull, constant crimson of Pandora’s Tower. When he lowers his hand, Ryuga licks his lips slowly, then gives him a tentative smile.

“Sorry. I know exactly what I’ve done. I’ve done it to Sento a few times, too.” Ryuga sets a careful hand on Kazumi’s side, fingers kneading the skin there through the loose t-shirt he’s worn to bed. “Can I help, maybe? Sento says I’m pretty good with my hands.”

The question makes Kazumi’s eyes sting; Shuya did that for him, rubbing the soreness and the aches away at the end of each day when Kazumi had to take the binder off for fear of damaging his body permanently. There was a time limit, after all, and working on the farm occasionally meant stopping before he reached the limit because hard work made it hurt worse. Masaru insisted on taking over when Shuya passed away; Kazumi let himself suffer with them gone. It seems fair considering he was unable to keep them safe.

When he inhales, the sound is watery and stuttering. “I don’t know. I guess you can.”

“I know I’m kind of an idiot sometimes, but I can do this okay.” Ryuga seems proud of himself and Kazumi huffs, shifting in Ryuga’s lap, well-aware that he might not be able to escape Ryuga’s arms entirely, but keeping his back to him makes his easier. “You can tell me when to stop. And you can talk to me about them, if you want to.”

His hands feel better on Kazumi’s aches and pains than they have any right to and Kazumi sighs, tension slowly draining from his body as Ryuga’s fingers massage sore skin and muscle. “What’s there to tell? You know what they were to me, I’m sure.”

“You loved them. I know. They loved you too, a whole lot. Must have, to do everything they did for you.” The fondness in Ryuga’s voice makes Kazumi’s chest hurt. “I’m sorry you lost them. But they wouldn’t want you to sit alone in the dark like this, would they?”

Kazumi sniffles. “No. They never let me do anything like that, actually.”

“I didn’t think so. See, I’m right about something.” Ryuga presses his thumbs into Kazumi’s back, working a knot out of a muscle with unfair ease. “I mean obviously we can’t be them, and we probably don’t mean so much to you, but we’re here for you if you need us.”

“You can keep saying that but I’m not going to wake you up in the dead of the night because I’m upset. I can handle it just fine on my own,” Kazumi insists.

Ryuga’s chin touches his shoulder. “Why do you not want one of us to sit with you?”

“Because it’s  _ my _ fault this happened to them. Because I should have kept them safe, and I didn’t, and this is… This is what I get for that.” Kazumi’s voice wavers and he clears his throat hard enough that it hurts. “You have your own battles to fight, you and Sento, and I don’t want to drag any of you out of bed when you need your rest. It’s that simple.”

“No. There’s nothing simple about that. You shouldn’t feel bad because they died. You did what you could for them. They chose to fight, knowing the risks.” How Ryuga can sound so much calmer and more concise with this is beyond Kazumi. He never sounds this way about anything else.

Kazumi huffs. “How could they have known it would come to this? Even I didn’t know. I just… I wanted to help my friends. My farm. Hokuto. I didn’t want everyone to keep suffering.”

“That’s not bad, either, you know. It’s not bad to want to protect and help people you love and care about. That’s normal. That’s like, everything we stand for.” Ryuga bumps his head lightly against Kazumi’s, not enough to hurt. “They knew the risks, even if you don’t think they do. That’s why Kiba—”

“Shokichi,” Kazumi murmurs.

Ryuga is quiet. “Sorry. Shokichi. That’s why he stepped in front of you, isn’t it? That’s why… What was Akaba’s name?”

Kazumi smiles, just barely. “Masaru.”

“Okay. That’s why Masaru chose to fight anyway. All three of them loved you and wanted to fight beside you, and I’m sure any of them would have done what Shokichi did for you. How do your ribs feel now? Better? How’s your back?”

“Hmm? Oh.” Kazumi stretches a little, then settles back down. “Fine. Thank you, Ryuga.”

Ryuga’s arms return to resting around Kazumi, easy and warm, hands linked together over his belly to keep him somewhat close. “I can get that, I think. Loving someone so much you’d give your life for theirs if it meant they could live even one more day. And it’s probably really hard without them here with you, but you aren’t alone. You’ve got the rest of us. Maybe we don’t mean as much, but we’re still here to be your friends. I promise. Or, well…”

When he says nothing, Kazumi frowns, glances over his shoulder at him. “Or well what?”

“Nothing. I’m not good with words.” Ryuga’s arms tighten around him just enough to pull Kazumi back against his chest, and though Kazumi tried to escape him just a moment ago, he feels oddly at peace like this. “Just don’t want you to be all alone, is all.”

Silence settles over the two of them then and Kazumi thinks that Ryuga can go back to bed now, his mission fulfilled. The tears have stopped, at least for now, though it would be a shame to lose Ryuga’s arms around him, Ryuga’s hands on his belly, keeping him close and warm, almost sheltering him from the darkness and the cold enveloping him a moment ago. He says nothing, just lets himself relax in Ryuga’s embrace and allows his eyes to close for only a moment. Pretending Ryuga is anyone else is off the table; Kazumi never liked such things and especially not when Ryuga has been adamant about taking care of him.

It takes him a few minutes to notice the tension in Ryuga’s arms, tightening his toned and defined muscles to the point where it almost must be painful. Kazumi rests a hand on his bicep and gives it a little squeeze, frowning when Ryuga jumps. “Hey, what’s wrong with you?”

“Thinking about stupid shit.” Ryuga turns his head, noses into Kazumi’s hair a little and that feels nice and altogether too intimate, but Kazumi wants to be held right now. He wants to feel what Ryuga is willing to give him if only because Ryuga tore his walls down swiftly and almost painlessly, and Kazumi feels too vulnerable and soft to let go right now. “You… You know it’s weird but I didn’t, like, I loved Kasumi. I still love her, a lot, in a way, even though she’s gone. I don’t think I could never not love her. But I guess, just, close quarters and the situation—”

“You’ve developed feelings for someone else?” Kazumi hazards.

Ryuga is quiet before he nods, pressing his face against Kazumi’s hair once more. “Yeah. I guess I should have seen it coming, I mean, I knew I kinda had a crush, but I didn’t think it would be more than that. Not up to this level. Situation’s all wrong for it.”

“Well, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, is it? The situation being all wrong. Sometimes, bad things have to happen for good things to.” Kazumi knows the words are true but it still makes his throat feel full to voice them. “You should be honest about your feelings, though. Because we… We don’t really know how short time is sometimes, you know? So you should tell him.”

“I should tell— Wait, what?” Ryuga asks, leaning away from him.

Kazumi sighs. “I’m not going to judge you, am I? I had three boys, after all. You should tell Sento how you feel about him. I’m sure he feels the same. It feels that way sometimes, and—”

“You think the person I’m in love with is Sento,” Ryuga interrupts.

“Yes? The two of you are attached at the hip anymore and, well, the way you look at each other and talk about each other when you think the other isn’t listening, it’s hard not to think that.” Kazumi is embarrassed, suddenly, because it never occurred to him Ryuga might mean Misora or Sawa. Sento seems like the most logical assumption, but still. “Is it not him? Mii-tan, then? Or Sawa? I just thought it would be Sento, but I’ve been wrong before.”

“Incredible.” Ryuga laughs, and Kazumi feels his face burn enough that he slaps Ryuga’s arm hard enough for the sound to echo. “Ow! I wasn’t laughing at you. Okay, I was laughing at you a little bit. I guess, I just, it’s really funny? That you think Sento and I are so obvious.”

Kazumi twists around to look at him. “Aren’t you? Have you seen you two?”

“I guess I haven’t been paying attention that much. But like, it’s not Sento. That’s what makes it so funny.” Ryuga takes his arms away to shrug, hands thrown up in the air, and Kazumi misses them almost instantly. “I just thought I’d been painfully obvious this entire time, but I guess not.”

“Well, okay.” Kazumi turns back around, and then Ryuga is against his back once more, arms wrapped around him. “So, one of the girls. I guess Mii-tan because she’s so cute.”

Ryuga chuckles against his hair. “No, it’s not Misora. And it’s not Sawa, either.”

“The owner? Isurugi? That’s a hell of a situation to be in, actually. You weren’t kidding when you said bad.” When Ryuga laughs again, Kazumi narrows his eyes in annoyance. “Well, if I’m so wrong about everything, why don’t you just tell me who you’re so compromised over, idiot?”

“You sound like yourself again, now. You don’t sound so sad anymore,” Ryuga says.

Kazumi shakes his head, hides his face behind his hands. “Shut up. So, who is it?”

“Not gonna shut up. I was really worried about you, you know. You seemed so tough and put together, it kind of made me worry you were really upset and just weren’t telling us. I told myself I wanted to know the truth, but seeing you crying made my stomach hurt.” Ryuga is quiet for a moment and Kazumi inhales softly, taken aback by the gentle confession. “I don’t like it when you cry, Kazumin. I understand you need to because a lot’s happened, but it’s… It still makes me feel bad that you have to cry in the first place. I dunno, it’s stupid and selfish.”

“It’s not stupid. It’s… Sweet. You’re a sweet guy, really.” Kazumi straightens up a little and rests his hands on top of Ryuga’s, feeling the scrapes in his skin, the wounds there. “So, who is it?”

“No more guesses?” Ryuga asks, half-mocking, in his ear.

Kazumi groans. “I don’t know anyone else to guess. Are you going to tell me, or are you just going to keep it secret? Because I wouldn’t advise the latter.”

“Nah, I know you don’t, and I get why, and you’re right. If I don’t tell him how I feel about him, I might never get a chance.” Ryuga taps him on the shoulder. “Can you turn around and look at me? It feels weird to talk about this without looking at someone, actually.”

It takes a few seconds for Kazumi to turn around properly, and only because he slides out of Ryuga’s arms to sit on the floor across from him. This turns out not to be what Ryuga meant; he pulls Kazumi back into his arms a moment later so that Kazumi sits in his lap once more, only facing him this time, and Kazumi crosses his ankles behind Ryuga’s back to stabilize himself a little. Ryuga’s arms are braced behind his back, keeping them just far enough to keep Kazumi’s chest from being pressed up against Ryuga’s, which he appreciates.

“This is a weirdly intimate position,” Kazumi tells him.

Ryuga hums and nods. “Yeah, I guess so, but it’s not bad, is it? I’ll let you go if you want me to but we’ve not had a chance to do anything that’s just kinda nice in a while.”

“Let me go? Not a chance, idiot. Not now that I’m kind of liking this.” Kazumi flicks him on the nose and Ryuga pouts at him. “Now, go ahead and spill. Promise I won’t spill your feelings for you but if you chicken out and end up dying, I can do the confessing on your behalf.”

“So generous.” Ryuga sticks his tongue out at him, then sighs, tipping his head back. “It’s weird, you know, it was fine with Kasumi? Maybe this is because it’s the first time I’ve seriously liked a guy in a long time. I’ve had crushes on dudes but this is different for me. Like, I’ve thought about this a while and I’m like, well, I wanna date this guy. Take him on a date when the dust settles.”

Kazumi smiles, settles his arms around Ryuga’s shoulders, plays with the braids on the top of his head. “That’s kind of cute for you, actually. So, who is it?”

“It’s just, you know, I…” Ryuga trails off and Kazumi lets him, plays with his hair and watches the complicated interplay of emotions across his face as he tries to piece together what he needs to say. “It’s kind of shitty of me, isn’t it, to confess at a time like this? I get not wanting to hold it in and regret it but the situation is so bad.”

“It’s a bad situation for all of us, not just the person you care about. We’re all hurting right now, in our own ways. And you know, maybe this person likes you back. Maybe it’ll be a relief for him to find out that you like him, too,” Kazumi suggests.

Ryuga looks up at him, his eyes sharper, his gaze piercing Kazumi almost straight through to his soul or so it feels, and Ryuga has never looked like this before.

“Never thought about that before, him liking me back. Seemed kinda impossible, like. He’s in a league of his own, he’s so handsome and kinda smooth but sometimes he’s a completely idiot and it’s really cute. I feel so stupid for saying that.” Ryuga shakes his head, ducks it, chokes out a laugh and Kazumi can see the color suffusing his cheeks, rosier still in the glow of the Tower outside. “I feel so far gone sometimes, but like, he’s so special.”

Kazumi smiles softly. “He’d be lucky to have you, I think.”

“Yeah? Well.” Ryuga swallows so hard his Adam’s apple bobs with the motion. “This is such grade school bullshit, worrying like this. The worst that happens is rejection, and there’s so much worse happening right now it’s not even close to being the  _ worst _ thing that can happen. Kazumin, I’ve fallen for you and I totally get if you’re not ready to have anything when you’re still mourning but, well, I… I just want you to know you aren’t really alone if you don’t want to be.”

The only sound in the room is Kazumi’s rapidly beating heart and Ryuga’s unsteady breathing, his dark eyes wide, crawling all over Kazumi’s face from the way they seem to rapidly dart back and forth. It takes Kazumi a solid minute to process the words, to process Ryuga’s confession and then he sits back on his heels, slips out of Ryuga’s arms and falls on his ass. Shock courses through his body, easily replacing every other emotion he’s felt this evening.

The man Ryuga was gushing about just a moment ago is him. The person Ryuga has fallen in love with  _ is him. _

_ “Maybe we don’t mean as much, but we’re still here to be your friends. I promise. Or, well…” _

The  _ or, well _ was Ryuga stumbling over telling Kazumi that he could be more than his friend, if Kazumi wants him to be. He hardly needs this spelled out for him, not when he sees the way Ryuga flinches back, the way his arms remain buoyed in the air for just a moment where Kazumi’s body was before they fall to his lap, his fingers knotting in the loose fabric of his pajama bottoms. The way he ducks his head, the way he bites down on his lower lip.

Rejection is far from the worst thing that can happen to any of them, but the kicked puppy expression on Ryuga’s face broadcasts just how much it hurts him just the same.

“Ryuga…” Kazumi wets his nervous lips and his heart flutters harder, clenches a little at the pitiful way Ryuga peeks up at him. “That why you’re so upset about seeing me crying?”

The question makes Ryuga whine, a pathetic little noise in his throat. “I know it’s stupid! I just, you don’t deserve to be sad. You should get to be happy. It hurts my chest a little to see you upset like that, that’s all. Like, I just wanna see you smile and be happy again.”

This is why Ryuga was so nervous about confessing to him. Not just because the situation all of them are in is bad, but because Kazumi’s situation is difficult and Ryuga wanted to be careful of his feelings. The thought is sweet and startling and it makes Kazumi’s stomach hurt a little, not so much with pain but with pure affection for the stupid boy looking so much like a wounded animal right now. Ryuga came to comfort him and would have held in how he felt for who knows how long because he knows Kazumi is hurting.

His boys are gone. As much as it hurts to admit it, Kazumi spent at least a dozen nights or more lying on this floor and crying over them, and none of that is going to bring them back. It should feel like betrayal but Kazumi knows them, perhaps better than he knows himself. Ryuga was right about one thing; Shuya, Shokichi, and Masaru wanted him to be happy in life. They told him countless times not to close himself off, not to make himself a loner when there were people who loved him and wanted to help him.

Doing so now would only destroy so much of their hard work to get him to open up his heart.

“You’re so stupid.” Kazumi pushes Ryuga’s arms away so he can slide back into his lap, curling a hand around the back of his neck, holding Ryuga still so he can bump their foreheads together. “Were you going to die without telling me? Had you planned on that?”

Ryuga squeezes his eyes shut. “I really didn’t think about that until you said something about it, which is so dumb in hindsight, I know, but… I’m not going to do that. I love you, Sawatari Kazumi. Even if you don’t love me back, or want to be with me right now, which I totally understand, I just. I want you to know how I feel about you, and that if you want a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to hold you, and nothing more, I’ll do that, be that, for you.”

Kazumi feel that stinging in his eyes once more and tilts his head, his nose brushing against Ryuga’s. “Don’t say such sweet things. You’re going to make me melt.”

Another groan. “I’m so bad at this, I’m—”

“You really aren’t. At all.” Kazumi leans back just enough to look into Ryuga’s eyes, beautiful autumn brown that meets his gaze instantly. “Kiss me while I’m still soft enough to ask for it.”

Ryuga wets his lips, a nervous habit, but it makes Kazumi’s stomach tighten just the same. “Kazumin, if you aren’t ready for this, then I—”

“I could die tomorrow, you know. So could you. That’s not lost on me now.” Kazumi could reach out and touch their dog tags if he wanted to. He keeps them next to his head when he sleeps, the only way to feel like they’re still with him. “My heart still hurts. It’s going to take time. But we might not have time, and I don’t want to end up dying with the regret that someone was right there within reach and I never got to know what it felt like to let him love me.”

Ryuga shudders and then he lights up from within, his eyes shining, his lips stretched into a smile so wide it has to hurt, and Kazumi thinks he might see a hint of tears in Ryuga’s eyes as well to match his own. “Then I’ll love you and I’ll be there to hold you until it doesn’t hurt anymore, no matter how long that takes.”

Kazumi sniffles, tugs Ryuga’s hair. “Kiss me, you idiot. Please.”

Ryuga kisses him. No hesitation, no pauses. He pulls Kazumi close and his eyes flutter closed a moment before their lips touch, and Kazumi drinks in the warmth of Ryuga’s arms and his lips before he lets his eyes close as well. It’s a slow kiss, tentative on both sides, lips carefully moving together while they try to find a rhythm, a pace that suits them. One hand is splayed across Kazumi’s back, supporting him, holding him close while the other slips into his hair, cradles his head as Ryuga kisses him just a little harder, a little deeper.

The gentleness and the care he handles Kazumi with makes Kazumi cry, tears slipping slowly and silently down his cheeks, wetting his lips. Ryuga pauses for just a moment to look at him before kissing a stray tear off of Kazumi’s cheek, and then their mouths meet again. Slow and gentle, warm and comforting, everything Kazumi needs, everything he wants. It makes his chest ache a little less, makes the tightness in his throat loosen and soothes the loneliness that has choked him in a vice grip ever since Masaru died.

Their bodies are pressed so tightly together and Kazumi almost doesn’t notice, and there’s a moment of uncertainty and hesitation in this, this close contact, but Ryuga’s hands stay on his back, his sides, tangling in his hair, touching every part of him he can reach except the parts they haven’t talked about yet. Like he knows, or maybe suspects, and doesn’t want to ruin this moment, always so careful, so cautious of Kazumi’s reactions, his feelings.

The thought helps dry the tears and by the time they come up for air, Kazumi has stopped crying entirely. Ryuga presses his face into Kazumi’s throat, panting softly, and Kazumi clings to him, not wanting to let go of this moment, this man.

“That was… I never imagined… You always rejected me every time I thought about telling you,” Ryuga murmurs, the words reverberating against Kazumi’s skin.

Kazumi laughs, threads his fingers through Ryuga’s hair and holds him closer, his cheek touching the intricate braids on top of Ryuga’s head. “Well, I didn’t reject you.”

“No, you didn’t. You didn’t.” Ryuga’s arms tighten around him, not enough to hurt like they did before but enough to make Kazumi feel like, just this once, he might not need walls of his own. Ryuga might be able to shield the most tender parts of him. “Don’t sleep on the floor. Or at least, not up here. Come down to the lab and sleep with me. Lemme hold you tonight. I don’t want to leave you up here in case you get upset again.”

Kazumi noses Ryuga’s hair. “I don’t think I can walk right now. It’s late, and I’m… Exhausted.” Easier to explain right now than admitting just how emotionally wrung out he is.

“I’ll stay up here with you, then.” Ryuga kisses his throat, and Kazumi shivers. “If you’ll let me. I’ll hold you all night long, for as long as you want to sleep in tomorrow. Sound okay?”

“Better than okay.” Kazumi kisses the top of his head and leans back, and Ryuga lays him down on his futon, balanced above him on just his forearms, looking down at him like… Like Kazumi doesn’t know what, but certainly like he is someone loved and precious, someone Ryuga wants to take care of, and that makes his throat and his heart feel full. “Stay with me tonight.”

Ryuga slides off of the top of him and lands beside him, pressed right up against Kazumi’s side, an arm curled around his waist, and kisses him goodnight. When Kazumi wakes up in the morning, Ryuga is pressed against every inch of him, warm and protective and safe.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to hmu on tumblr or twitter if you wanna talk! i'm noboritaiga on both.


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